the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
