When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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