my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
