He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
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I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
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I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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