Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
