Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
you never un-have a 4some
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
