You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
