I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
