Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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