I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
