so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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