I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
