like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I am one with the molecules
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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