i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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