you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
