mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize