Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
