so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Randomize
