She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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