I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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