No awkward lesbian experiences without me
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
