in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
