Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Randomize
