right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
