Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
