I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
