new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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