I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
