Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
