I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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