Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
