Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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