She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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