you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
