Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
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