woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
