im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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