The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
