got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
