She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
