youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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