Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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