dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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