How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
