I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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