your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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