I wish i was in the wii world.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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