this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
