Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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