you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
