Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
