I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Quick, to the slutcave!
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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