just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
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