just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
