this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
