2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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