You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
