some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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