She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
