Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
