Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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